Handling I find it a very interesting human process. Especially because I think all human beings, once we turn to this way of being in the world and treat me and the next.
First: What is handling?
Attached to the Gestalt theory and language: manipulating means transforming "something" (situation, thing or person) so that it becomes what I want. With an additional element, instead of using "my resources", use other resources.
latter is what makes or characterizing the handling: DO NOT USE MY RESOURCES, use the other. Do not use my resources either because I do not own them or simply because I do not move around and make another move.
How do I use the resources of another?
From the look gestalt, one of the characteristic forms used in the manipulation is to put a "mask" and act from there. I become a victim, responsible, a diva, in a poor, a dictator, among others. And from this role, "play" with me and with others.
And for example, instead of telling someone: "I want water, please give me a glass of water"
I say, "You who are so beautiful and bountiful ... and me I can not get out of this chair ... I really want to take a little water? "
Although it seems a very basic example, in the bottom of the manipulative phrase is the basis of this linkage: I put on a mask, I act from there, try to use your resources instead of mine and reach my achieving goals or satisfy my need.
manipulator and manipulated
In this course of action and being in the world, the manipulator is not alone, you need to allow another to manipulate. Being perfect is the key weapon: one says and the other does. Both in a perfect game in which both are needed.
Both end up being two sides of the same coin.
The manipulator can believe (truly) do not have the resources to meet their needs and achieve their goals. And therefore, needs the other to get closer to what you want.
and other property of the manipulator is to put this mask or works from this role, it is not able to make a direct request the other person, for fear often receive no or a negative response. Before exposure to the rejection of this product.
The manipulated by hand, may suffer from similar issues to handle. In what sense? The purchase manipulated the role of the other and can become truly believe that your correspondent can not reach your goal. And from there, feel that helps.
Likewise, it is difficult to give no for an answer. If he says no, the consequences can be terrible for him and may include "loss" to this person that they also need.
Between the two it creates a link type "key and lock. "They fit perfectly. One has what the other needs.
solution?
A link between manipulator and manipulated may work for long. As long as both get what they need.
The problem occurs when one of the two lets you operate this link. When manipulated, for example, begins to say no.
One possible solution to this link is manufactured in a more healthy, point to the following:
+ Making the manipulator realize the role they used to meet their needs.
+ Getting the handler to take an inventory of the resources it has to meet their needs.
+ If it really does not have the resources, show you can ask for and get close to another directly. And that may be exposed to a negative without implying a total loss.
In the case of handling:
+ Making the manipulated realize the role that uses the other to bond with him. And you can look at the role he takes on this link.
+ Getting the handler can take the risk of saying that indirect requests not to another.
+ Make it to see the manipulation that the manipulator has the resources to meet their needs.
+ Make it to see the manipulation that can have a relationship with the other based on interdependence rather than "I will fix your problems."
manipulation can be a beautiful and wonderful. That we can all learn. Maybe we can start to see which side of the story we are. Maybe sometimes we are manipulated and other manipulated. The important thing is not to be in, but to see that we are there, to get out.
text Author: Raiza Ramirez
Gestalt Psychotherapist and Constellations Therapist Family